A Mom’s Guide To Wicked Sex (Or Regular Sex, Take Whatever You Can Get)

So you’re a mom. I’m one, too. Sometimes, after you become a mom, you forget that sex used to be fun, hot, even wicked. Wicked sex? HA. It was all that “fun” that got you into this blessed circumstance of never having a solitary moment to so much as poop, much less seduce your partner. Seduction = putting the kids to bed so I can watch The Voice.  

But it’s not over ladies.

I’m here to help you bring the passion back.

The Mom’s Guide to Getting It On

Step 1: Get your kids to bed.

HA SUCKER.

No, seriously, good luck.

I couldn’t “get my kids to bed” until they were like three. “To bed” was MY bed and MY bed was no longer for sex.

I hope you’re luckier than I was, but in case you aren’t, I have a Plan B.

Step 1 (Plan B, not the birth control, well ok, maybe that too):

Can't get your kids to sleep? Twinkies. Ho-hos. A ding dong. Think of a food that will just blow their minds. Turn on the TV (not Caillou though, total mood-killer).

Their minds blown = ….. other things blown?

You’ve got a solid 5 minutes. Don't bother reading the rest of this article; just go get it on.

Step 2: You’re probably going to need to take off your yoga pants.

Unless you’re like me, I wear dresses. You can never be too prepared. I think that’s the Boy Scout Motto. Works for sex-deprived parents, too.

If you want to be a little extra, go ahead and undo that messy bun, girl. Let your freak-flag fly.

Step 3: Sexy music.

I’d say R. Kelley, classic bump-n-grind, but he's a disgusting creep.

So let's go with a classic:

If you're a 90s kinda person, I've got you covered.

The 90s were a veritable smorgasbord of bone-worthy compositions.

You might also like: How To Get Your Toddler To Sleep In Their Own Bed: A Step-By-Step Guide

Step 4: Lingerie

Lingerie. Wait, are my white cotton Fruit Of The Loom boybriefs not lingerie?

We don’t have time for this. Just get naked.

Step 5: Less sexy, but more important… birth control (if you’re heterosexual couple anyway).

Nothing kills a wicked sex session like the realization that you might get pregnant. Unless you want to get pregnant, if that’s the case, you’re in good shape.

But, if you’re like me, and the thought of being pregnant EVER AGAIN conjures visions of you launching yourself headfirst off your roof, you’re gonna want to have some birth control onboard.

Step 6: Mix it up!

Is missionary your go to? Get crafty.

No, not like knit a sex hammock, just change positions.

God, you’re so extra.

If you’re in a hurry, you can go straight to “bent over the bathroom counter” (but probably make sure the mirror isn’t covered in spit, that last thing you want to see is your face is sexually-pleasured contortion through your five-year-old’s toothpaste spit.)

Cowgirl is always a good one (and it’s easy for some women to orgasm this way which makes this position a clear front-runner).

Step 7: Make some noise.

I wouldn’t recommend this if your windows are open (unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case, this wicked sex just got wicked-er), but moan, scream (maybe quietly, if the kids are around).

You might even *gasp* say words! Words of affirmation are always well received (this is probably not the best time to say “DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A CLITORIS IS?”). Tell them what they are doing right, and guess what, they’ll do MORE of it.

Step 8: Snacks

No sex session would be complete without post-coital snackage. Twinkies anyone?

Related:

• 5 Lessons From jessica drake's Guide To Wicked Sex

• I'm A Single Mom And I Still Like Sex. A Lot.

• 7 Telltale Signs That You Have Toddlers